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Have you ever been on a flight and thought to yourself, who the hell comes up with the stuff in Sky Mall? Don’t get me wrong, I want a life size Sasquatch garden statue as much as the next guy, but do people really fall for some of the bullshit pseudo-homeopathic and questionably non-fatal stuff in there? Who cares? A few pocket sized bottles of liquor at that altitude can get me to buy anything.
I’m a fan of stupid (and often inebriated) purchases. I have a purple laser pointer, a plastic drinking horn, two record players, a candle shaped like an owl, and the best purchase I’ve ever made: an American flag polo. I’m not ashamed, most of these things have their purposes.
New Orleanians, myself included, face a number of problems that could be solved by Sky Mall-like products. I scoured the web to find the best of the best for my city, and here’s what I found:
The Gutter Punk Detector
The Gutter Punk Detector can smell a trust fund and a DIY ethic from a mile away. Using the latest and greatest scent detectors and audio scanning technology, this wonderful little antenna that plugs into your iPhone can hear the yelps of a starving dog or a muttered, “Can I bum a smoke, man?” from the palm of your hand! You’ll never have to awkwardly cross the street to avoid them in the Quarter again. Safety not guaranteed.
The Pothole Buster
Covington soccer moms and college kids driving a beater rejoice: science has finally devised a solution to New Orleans driving. Introducing, the Pothole Buster. Using technology developed over the years in the arduous laboratories of Afghanistan and Iraq, the Pothole Buster can span any hole you throw at it, and more! It can support the weight of a tank and make sure you don’t bottom out on Palmer Ave. 3 ton counter balance not included.
The Wormhole Flask
If you’re anything like me, you run out of booze waaaay too fast. Flasks are great, but they can only hold so much! Everyone’s always asking for a swig and generally just cramping your style. Now, you can be both the life of the party and have enough to sustain yourself with the Wormhole Flask. Using the most advanced tech the world has probably seen, this is in no way a waste of precious technology and resources. Science was invented for boozing, let’s keep it that way. Red Beans and Life is not liable for any inter-dimensional injuries sustained while using this product.
The Autopilot
After liberal usage of the previous product, you are probably in no condition to drive. No need to worry, Google has answered our prayers with their driverless cars! Just plug in an address and away you go. It’s even programmable to prevent you from going to certain places, such as your ex’s house and the liquor store for a refill. Does not respond to, “Pull over, man, I have to puke.”
If you’re buying any of these products or anything out of a catalog you read while flying, you’re surely not worried about any kind of bills. Why suffer in the heat when you can cool your whole backyard with the Outdoor AC? It features three different speeds, barely working, feels like speed one, and HURRICANE. Trash can for your neglected bills not included.
I can already feel life’s stresses being lifted after only looking at these wonderful products. I know what’s on my wish list for my birthday this year. Again, Red Beans and Life is not responsible for any injuries sustained while using these great products. No, I’m not liable either.
